Even when justified, these challenging emotions can adversely affect us.

THE BASICS

• What Is Anger?
• Find a therapist to heal from anger

With the recent U.S. election and upcoming presidential inauguration, feelings of anger and resentment have become more widespread and more intense. Many people seem to be carrying their anger and resentment wherever they go, like an overstuffed suitcase. It is baggage that weighs them down and demands considerable attention and energy. This anger related to recent and current events and the resentment it fuels are contributing factors to ever-greater levels of interpersonal conflict and animosity — including among friends and family members.

Anger

Anger is a normal, natural emotion. In many situations, it’s a healthy and appropriate emotional reaction. Anger is an emotional response to a real or imagined “wrong” or injustice, but sometimes people get angry simply because things don’t go the way they would like. Anger takes place in the present, when life isn’t going the way we think it should. In this way, anger has a corrosive effect — it is a “fight” against present-moment reality, a refusal to accept what is. As Mark Twain put it, “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Most often, anger is a secondary emotion. It can take shape instantly and unconsciously in response to something or someone that evokes feelings of hurt, fear, and/or inadequacy. When most people experience these primary emotions, they feel vulnerable, and their energy and attention are focused inward. For many people, this revealing of vulnerability creates so much distress that the underlying emotions are automatically transformed into anger.

Anger serves several defensive purposes:

• It works as a shield that deflects uncomfortable primary emotions so they can be avoided or kept at a distance.
• It provides a sense of power and control.
• It directs focus outward to identifiable, external scapegoats (individuals, groups, institutions). It is almost always easier and more comfortable to focus on the actions of others than it is to focus on oneself.

Resentment

Resentment is closely related to anger. Resentments are negative feelings, basically ill will, toward someone or something that emanates from the past. Resentment is the re-experiencing of past injustices — real or perceived — and the old feelings of anger connected to them. Resentments form when people get angry toward a person, institution, or situation, and steadfastly hold on to that anger.

Some people hold resentments for many years, refusing to let go of them. Over time, whatever caused the original anger and led to the resentment may be forgotten, while the resentment remains, like a still-smoldering ember left after the flames of a fire die down. The fire no longer rages, but the ember remains hot and at risk of the fire to reignite until it is extinguished.

There is a saying that when you resent somebody, you become his or her slave. The stronger the resentment is, the more time you spend thinking about it, caught up in the anger connected to it. This is a form of mental, emotional, and spiritual bondage. Ultimately, the person holding the resentment is the one who suffers most. Consistent with the 12-step adage, “Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Although of course there are times when anger and resentment are appropriate and justified, often they built on a foundation of distorted belief that others should or must act the way you want them to. If you allow yourself to become angry or resentful whenever situations don’t go the way you prefer, then you are effectively giving control of your feelings to others. It’s similar to using a remote control to change channels on the TV. If your feelings depend on how other people behave, you are giving them the remote control to your emotions.

There are specific actions you can take to address feelings of anger and resentment in more healthy and helpful ways:

1. Practice identifying and allowing yourself to feel the underlying emotions that anger may be superimposed upon — such as hurt or fear. Strive to be present with and accept these feelings and the vulnerability they elicit.

2. Practice being consciously present with your anger and resentment. Observe it. Allow it to simply be. Hold it. Visualize putting space around it. Notice what happens.

3. Identify how you may have contributed to the situation(s) that you are angry or resentful about. Be aware that people (including you) frequently play a part in the circumstances about which they are angry and/or resentful.

4. Practice expressing anger and resentment differently. Share these feelings with safe, supportive individuals whom you trust. Journal or write about them. Discharge them through physical activity by working out, taking a walk or run, going for a hike, or playing a sport. If appropriate to the situation, participate in activities that promote social and economic justice and other forms of nonviolent activism.

5. Learn and practice relaxation and self-calming techniques. Examples include intentional breathing, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, Qi Gong, progressive relaxation, and quiet, unplugged downtime.

6. As difficult as it may be, endeavor to practice treating those people you feel angry at or have resentment toward with kindness and compassion. Notice what happens when you change how you act toward them — they will often change how they act toward you.

7. Resist the urge to be a channel for the anger and resentment of others. The anger and resentment of others can be seductive — they can have an almost magnetic pull. Don’t buy into it; resist the urge to join in their negativity or participate in gossip.

8. Practice applying the understanding that unless you’ve learned how to change the past, it’s as good as it’s ever going to get! Find ways to remind yourself of this whenever you need to — you don’t have to like what’s happening in the present or has happened in the past in order to accept it. And acceptance will free your attention and energy from the shackles of anger and resentment, enabling you to be more skillful in the present.

Author of Some Assembly Required: A Balanced Approach to Recovery from Addiction and Chronic Pain

Even when justified, these challenging emotions can adversely affect us.

THE BASICS

• What Is Anger?
• Find a therapist to heal from anger

With the recent U.S. election and upcoming presidential inauguration, feelings of anger and resentment have become more widespread and more intense. Many people seem to be carrying their anger and resentment wherever they go, like an overstuffed suitcase. It is baggage that weighs them down and demands considerable attention and energy. This anger related to recent and current events and the resentment it fuels are contributing factors to ever-greater levels of interpersonal conflict and animosity — including among friends and family members.

Anger

Anger is a normal, natural emotion. In many situations, it’s a healthy and appropriate emotional reaction. Anger is an emotional response to a real or imagined “wrong” or injustice, but sometimes people get angry simply because things don’t go the way they would like. Anger takes place in the present, when life isn’t going the way we think it should. In this way, anger has a corrosive effect — it is a “fight” against present-moment reality, a refusal to accept what is. As Mark Twain put it, “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Most often, anger is a secondary emotion. It can take shape instantly and unconsciously in response to something or someone that evokes feelings of hurt, fear, and/or inadequacy. When most people experience these primary emotions, they feel vulnerable, and their energy and attention are focused inward. For many people, this revealing of vulnerability creates so much distress that the underlying emotions are automatically transformed into anger.

Anger serves several defensive purposes:

• It works as a shield that deflects uncomfortable primary emotions so they can be avoided or kept at a distance.
• It provides a sense of power and control.
• It directs focus outward to identifiable, external scapegoats (individuals, groups, institutions). It is almost always easier and more comfortable to focus on the actions of others than it is to focus on oneself.

Resentment

Resentment is closely related to anger. Resentments are negative feelings, basically ill will, toward someone or something that emanates from the past. Resentment is the re-experiencing of past injustices — real or perceived — and the old feelings of anger connected to them. Resentments form when people get angry toward a person, institution, or situation, and steadfastly hold on to that anger.

Some people hold resentments for many years, refusing to let go of them. Over time, whatever caused the original anger and led to the resentment may be forgotten, while the resentment remains, like a still-smoldering ember left after the flames of a fire die down. The fire no longer rages, but the ember remains hot and at risk of the fire to reignite until it is extinguished.

There is a saying that when you resent somebody, you become his or her slave. The stronger the resentment is, the more time you spend thinking about it, caught up in the anger connected to it. This is a form of mental, emotional, and spiritual bondage. Ultimately, the person holding the resentment is the one who suffers most. Consistent with the 12-step adage, “Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Although of course there are times when anger and resentment are appropriate and justified, often they built on a foundation of distorted belief that others should or must act the way you want them to. If you allow yourself to become angry or resentful whenever situations don’t go the way you prefer, then you are effectively giving control of your feelings to others. It’s similar to using a remote control to change channels on the TV. If your feelings depend on how other people behave, you are giving them the remote control to your emotions.

There are specific actions you can take to address feelings of anger and resentment in more healthy and helpful ways:

1. Practice identifying and allowing yourself to feel the underlying emotions that anger may be superimposed upon — such as hurt or fear. Strive to be present with and accept these feelings and the vulnerability they elicit.

2. Practice being consciously present with your anger and resentment. Observe it. Allow it to simply be. Hold it. Visualize putting space around it. Notice what happens.

3. Identify how you may have contributed to the situation(s) that you are angry or resentful about. Be aware that people (including you) frequently play a part in the circumstances about which they are angry and/or resentful.

4. Practice expressing anger and resentment differently. Share these feelings with safe, supportive individuals whom you trust. Journal or write about them. Discharge them through physical activity by working out, taking a walk or run, going for a hike, or playing a sport. If appropriate to the situation, participate in activities that promote social and economic justice and other forms of nonviolent activism.

5. Learn and practice relaxation and self-calming techniques. Examples include intentional breathing, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, Qi Gong, progressive relaxation, and quiet, unplugged downtime.

6. As difficult as it may be, endeavor to practice treating those people you feel angry at or have resentment toward with kindness and compassion. Notice what happens when you change how you act toward them — they will often change how they act toward you.

7. Resist the urge to be a channel for the anger and resentment of others. The anger and resentment of others can be seductive — they can have an almost magnetic pull. Don’t buy into it; resist the urge to join in their negativity or participate in gossip.

8. Practice applying the understanding that unless you’ve learned how to change the past, it’s as good as it’s ever going to get! Find ways to remind yourself of this whenever you need to — you don’t have to like what’s happening in the present or has happened in the past in order to accept it. And acceptance will free your attention and energy from the shackles of anger and resentment, enabling you to be more skillful in the present.

Author of Some Assembly Required: A Balanced Approach to Recovery from Addiction and Chronic Pain

Forgiveness frees you from the tangles of anger and retribution.

Posted Mar 01, 2021

THE BASICS

• The Importance of Forgiveness
• Find a therapist near me

Are you holding on to feeling wronged?

The Practice:

Let go of resentment and anger.

Letting go of resentment and anger is a tricky topic.

First, it has two distinct meanings:

• To give up resentment or anger
• To pardon an offense; to stop seeking punishment or recompense

Here, I am going to focus on the first meaning, which is broad enough to include situations where you have not let someone off the hook morally or legally, but you still want to come to peace about whatever happened. Finding forgiveness can walk hand-in-hand with pursuing justice.

Second, there is sometimes the fear that if you forgive people, that means you approve of their behavior (like giving them a free pass for wrongdoing). Actually, you can both view an action as morally reprehensible and no longer be angry at the person who did it. You could continue to feel sad at the impacts on you and others—and take action to make sure it never happens again—but you no longer feel aggrieved, reproachful, or vengeful.

Third, forgiveness can seem lofty, like it only applies to big things, like crimes or adultery. But most forgiving is for the small bruises of daily life, when others let you down, thwart or hassle you, or just rub you the wrong way.

Fourth, paradoxically, in my experience, the person who gains the most from forgiveness is usually the one who does the forgiving. One reason is that we often forgive people who never know we’ve forgiven them; much of the time, they never knew we felt wronged in the first place!

Further, consider two situations: In one, someone has a grudge against you but then forgives you; in the other situation, you have a grudge against someone but then let it go. Which situation takes more of a weight off of your heart? Generally, it’s the second one, since you take your own heart wherever you go.

Fundamentally, forgiveness frees you from the tangles of anger and retribution and from preoccupations with the past or with the running case in your mind about the person you’re mad at. It shifts your sense of self from a passive one in which bad things happen to you to one in which you are active in changing your own attitudes: You’re a hammer now, no longer a nail. It widens your view to see the truth of the many, many things that make people act as they do, placing whatever happened in context within a larger whole.

And, most profoundly, as you forgive yourself—which can coincide with serious corrections in your own thoughts, words, and deeds—your own deep and natural goodness is increasingly revealed.

As best you can, take care of yourself and those you care for. Protect yourself against ongoing or potential harms. Do what you can to repair the damage done to you. Keep making your life a good one.

Ask for support. We are intensely, viscerally social animals. It is much easier to forgive your trespassers after others bear witness to the ways you’ve been mistreated. (This point also speaks to the importance of bearing witness to harms done to others, whether it is the impact of a teenager’s coldness on your mate or the impacts of religious prejudice on millions of people.)

Honor the wound. Try not to be overwhelmed, but open to the shock, hurt, sense of injustice, anger, and other aspects of the experience. Allow the thoughts and feelings and related desires to have breathing room and to ebb and flow over time with their own organic rhythms. Forgiveness is not about shutting down your feelings; opening to the experience in a big space of mindful awareness is an aid to forgiveness.

Check your story. Watch out for exaggerating how awful, significant, or unforgivable the incident was. Be careful about assuming intent: In modern life, most of us are pretty stressed and scatterbrained much of the time; maybe you, unfortunately, just bumped into someone else’s bad day.

Put the event in perspective: Was it really that big a deal, given all the other good things about the person who upset you? Maybe it was, but maybe it wasn’t.

Appreciate the value of forgiveness. Ask yourself: What does my grievance, my resentment, cost me? Cost others I care about? What would it be like to lay those burdens down?

See the big picture. Consider the “10,000 causes” upstream from the person who hurt you, like his or her life and childhood, parents, finances, temperament, health, mental state just before whatever happened, etc.

Try not to take wounds so personally. There’s an old saying: Each day wounds, and the last one kills. We all get wounded. This doesn’t mean making yourself a target or letting wrongdoers off the hook, but it does mean recognizing that the price of being alive includes some inevitable pain—and the risk of serious injury in one form or another.

It’s not personal. It’s life. We don’t need to feel offended by it.

Help yourself come to peace. Accept that the past is fixed and will not change; the bad thing will never not have happened. Disengage your mind from your story, narrative, “case” about the events. Steer clear of people who fan the flames of outrage.

Focus on the good things in your life, on gratitude. It’s bad enough that people have harmed you; don’t add insult to injury by getting caught up with them inside your own head. For example, they may have gotten away with some of your money, but don’t also give them your mind.

Anger and resentment are the two things to avoid. Feelings of anger happening again and not able to control are something that is not good for our mental health and physical health. Sometimes, we vibe and we know anger is about to happen still we are not able to control it…why. Because anger and resentment are uncontrollable forces that take our mind over and lead us to speak those things which are not good for us. Even when you try to control such feelings, anger takes control over emotions and leaves us helpless.

Holding on to the anger makes us take impulsive decisions and leaves us irritated which compromises our professional and personal relationships. Therefore, it is really important to learn to let go of anger and resentment. Through this blog, I have highlighted 10 effective ways to let go of anger and resentment. Let’s get started.

10 Effective Ways to Let Go of Anger and Resentment:

1. Identify the Source of Anger

Identification of the source of anger is really important to know the track. When dealing with anger, recognize what makes you angry and what keeps you holding onto anger. After recognizing, the best way to let go of anger is to escape such situations, relax, and restructure your thoughts.

The other way to identify the source is to take a step back and think. While thinking and evaluating, you will be able to think about how to escape such situations.

2. Practice Calm and Relax Techniques

The use of calming and relaxing techniques helps to soothe the feelings of anger and resentment. By practicing such a technique, you will learn the art of staying calm in stressful situations as well. Such techniques provide a positive mindset. Additionally, you can also try essential oils for instant stress relief.

3. Take Some Time Out

Whenever you feel like having anger or resentment, distract your mind onto something productive. The distraction of mind and thoughts will help you to have a clear mindset. You can distract your mind through “me time”. Moreover, one more way is to simply get up and go for a walk or draw something on a piece of paper.

4. Practice Yoga or Meditation

Practicing yoga or meditation is the best way to control your anger. Whenever you have a feel of anger or resentment, just sit back and meditate. You can also try guided meditation which helps you to have a peaceful mind and body. The best thing about meditation and yoga is that you can enjoy the peaceful state with nature as well. Read: Establish Inner Peace with Water Meditation

5. Look for The Solution

While holding grudges or thinking negative, the best way to let go of anger is to look for the solution. Look for a solution that will establish inner peace and happiness for everyone. Do not look for revenge… simply let go of feelings with one simple bright solution.

6. Do Not Hold Grudges, Follow Self-Forgiveness

Another best way to establish inner peace and let go of anger is to do not hold any negative feelings for each other. To learn how to let go of grudges, you can practice self-forgiveness which means forgiving yourself or the other person in order to have a peaceful mind and state.

7. Own Your Anger

Before anger takes over your mind and body, you really need to learn to let go of anger. To learn this, you need to learn to acknowledge your actions and words. You need to control your anger by acknowledging the actions and do not repeat those again.

8. Talk to Someone About It

Communication is also one of the best keys to let go of anger and resentment. Talk to someone close with you like a family member, partner, or your best friend about it. Sometimes, sharing your feelings also works as a therapy.

9. Be friends With Positive Affirmations

Reading positive affirmations every day brings positivity in life. Therefore, take out some time from your busy schedule and read the positive affirmation. Additionally, do not only read positive affirmations but also try to adapt them in your everyday life.

10. Maintain a Journal or Create Your Own Cozy Space

Maintaining a journal and gratitude diary is again the best thing to do. Or also, you can try maintaining a mood-o-meter. Watch how to maintain a mood-o-meter:

I hope this blog help you to control your anger and feelings of resentment. Comment down and let us know which way you are going to use to control your anger. Additionally, to watch more videos like “Mood-o-meter”, follow our YouTube channel.

When someone does something that harms or offends us, we often respond with anger. Feeling angry at upsetting situations is completely normal and not something you need to feel guilty for. “When you’ve had your rights violated, safety threatened or peace stolen, you have the right to feel angry about it,” says Steve Adams, Family Support Specialist for Centerstone. But is it okay to hold onto that anger?

While there is no standard to dictate whether holding onto anger for a long time is right or wrong, it can be unhealthy to do so. There’s a reason the phrase is, “Carry a grudge,” because a grudge is a burden you carry. When you hold onto anger, you are using your energy to keep something that isn’t good for you. You extend the pain you feel from the situation and add more stress into your life. This is especially true when the offender has apologized for their wrongdoing and has done what they need to do to make up for it. “Once the other person has apologized, they’ve done their part – they’ve released their burden,” says Steve Adams. “The best way to move forward is finding the strength to forgive.”

There is immense strength in putting revenge aside and offering forgiveness. Beyond showing strength, offering forgiveness can make you more mentally healthy, socially well and feeling like you are putting good into the world. However, forgiving isn’t always as easy as it sounds.

Why is forgiveness hard?

While forgiving is the best way to stop holding onto your anger, it doesn’t come naturally. When someone harms or offends you, it can fuel your desire for revenge. You might feel that it’s only fair that you get back at them so they know how it feels. It’s hard to give up your right to seek revenge, because it feels like losing. However, revenge only leads to more pain and likely will not resolve your bad feelings. Steve Adams says, “Revenge is highly antisocial and counterproductive.” It might feel good for a second, but it leads to more damaged relationships and hurt feelings.

Forgiveness is also hard because there is no tangible reward in the high road. Even though it is not helpful, seeking revenge at least yields a result – seeing the other person hurt. Taking the high road and forgiving may even leave you feeling unresolved at first. When this happens, it is important to focus on the good you are putting into the world by letting your long-held anger go. Remember that you don’t need to carry the burden anymore and live free from it.

Tips for forgiving others

Mindfulness is the first step to bringing yourself to forgive others. Take the time to check in with yourself, and then try some of these tips:

Recall when you’ve been forgiven. Have you ever done something wrong to another person, and yet they still forgave you? Dwell on these moments, and think about the way these relationships stayed strong even after the offense. One person’s wrongdoing does not have to mark the end of the relationship. Treat forgiveness like a blessing or a gift – the receiver feels good to receive it, and the giver feels glad that they gave it.

Measure the weight of your anger. Is your anger proving to be a burden? Often, there are already pains that came as a result of the offense – resentment only adds to this weight. If your anger is weighing you down, try to let it go.

Don’t dwell on the past. Did the offense happen a long time ago? If you are still holding onto anger that is years old, you might still be living in the past. Even if it doesn’t affect your daily life, thinking of the situation can bring you back to the way you felt all those years ago. Focus instead on the present, trying to be content with where you are now.

Maintain boundaries. Did the offender do something truly detrimental? In extreme situations, such as that of a neglectful or absent parent, it may be best to not let the relationship move forward. In this case, you can still forgive while setting clear boundaries for the relationship. You don’t have to reenter a relationship with the person for your forgiveness to be valid.

If you need help putting aside old anger, or with any other mental health challenge, Centerstone is here to help. Call 1-877-HOPE123 (877-467-3123) or visit to get connected with care.

Know someone who can benefit from these tips? Share this article with them on social media.

If you are in crisis, please call our crisis line, call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room.

If you’re still having trouble and would like to reach out to someone about counseling or other Centerstone services, contact us.

Anger and resentment are the two things to avoid. Feelings of anger happening again and not able to control are something that is not good for our mental health and physical health. Sometimes, we vibe and we know anger is about to happen still we are not able to control it…why. Because anger and resentment are uncontrollable forces that take our mind over and lead us to speak those things which are not good for us. Even when you try to control such feelings, anger takes control over emotions and leaves us helpless.

Holding on to the anger makes us take impulsive decisions and leaves us irritated which compromises our professional and personal relationships. Therefore, it is really important to learn to let go of anger and resentment. Through this blog, I have highlighted 10 effective ways to let go of anger and resentment. Let’s get started.

10 Effective Ways to Let Go of Anger and Resentment:

1. Identify the Source of Anger

Identification of the source of anger is really important to know the track. When dealing with anger, recognize what makes you angry and what keeps you holding onto anger. After recognizing, the best way to let go of anger is to escape such situations, relax, and restructure your thoughts.

The other way to identify the source is to take a step back and think. While thinking and evaluating, you will be able to think about how to escape such situations.

2. Practice Calm and Relax Techniques

The use of calming and relaxing techniques helps to soothe the feelings of anger and resentment. By practicing such a technique, you will learn the art of staying calm in stressful situations as well. Such techniques provide a positive mindset. Additionally, you can also try essential oils for instant stress relief.

3. Take Some Time Out

Whenever you feel like having anger or resentment, distract your mind onto something productive. The distraction of mind and thoughts will help you to have a clear mindset. You can distract your mind through “me time”. Moreover, one more way is to simply get up and go for a walk or draw something on a piece of paper.

4. Practice Yoga or Meditation

Practicing yoga or meditation is the best way to control your anger. Whenever you have a feel of anger or resentment, just sit back and meditate. You can also try guided meditation which helps you to have a peaceful mind and body. The best thing about meditation and yoga is that you can enjoy the peaceful state with nature as well. Read: Establish Inner Peace with Water Meditation

5. Look for The Solution

While holding grudges or thinking negative, the best way to let go of anger is to look for the solution. Look for a solution that will establish inner peace and happiness for everyone. Do not look for revenge… simply let go of feelings with one simple bright solution.

6. Do Not Hold Grudges, Follow Self-Forgiveness

Another best way to establish inner peace and let go of anger is to do not hold any negative feelings for each other. To learn how to let go of grudges, you can practice self-forgiveness which means forgiving yourself or the other person in order to have a peaceful mind and state.

7. Own Your Anger

Before anger takes over your mind and body, you really need to learn to let go of anger. To learn this, you need to learn to acknowledge your actions and words. You need to control your anger by acknowledging the actions and do not repeat those again.

8. Talk to Someone About It

Communication is also one of the best keys to let go of anger and resentment. Talk to someone close with you like a family member, partner, or your best friend about it. Sometimes, sharing your feelings also works as a therapy.

9. Be friends With Positive Affirmations

Reading positive affirmations every day brings positivity in life. Therefore, take out some time from your busy schedule and read the positive affirmation. Additionally, do not only read positive affirmations but also try to adapt them in your everyday life.

10. Maintain a Journal or Create Your Own Cozy Space

Maintaining a journal and gratitude diary is again the best thing to do. Or also, you can try maintaining a mood-o-meter. Watch how to maintain a mood-o-meter:

I hope this blog help you to control your anger and feelings of resentment. Comment down and let us know which way you are going to use to control your anger. Additionally, to watch more videos like “Mood-o-meter”, follow our YouTube channel.

For many of us, the emotions holding the tightest grip on our hearts are disappointment, resentment, blame and anger. They place a stranglehold on our happiness, and the only person who can release them is you.

Although forgiving someone (or ourselves) can happen in an instant, my experience is that it is usually a much more lengthy process requiring great patience, trust, persistence and prayer — more like peeling an onion or a lotus blossoming than a lightning bolt.

Physical symptoms often accompany emotional gripping. Forgiveness and its close cousin compassion are emotions associated with the heart chakra (physically: the heart, shoulders, chest and upper back). If you’re holding resentments, need to forgive and let go of someone, you may notice tightness in the upper back, between the shoulders, a sunken chest, difficulty taking a deep breath and deflated or low energy.

How do you know if you still need to forgive someone? When you talk or think about someone or an incident, do you feel a “charge” or get “triggered”? If you feel constricted, tight, feel a flush of anger (even subtly) or a surge of energy physically, it probably means there is unresolved emotional material for you to continue processing and releasing.

As my teacher, Mona Miller says, “Our work is to move from judgment to understanding.”

Here are four steps to help you forgive.

1. Understand why someone acts the way they do. Perhaps the most important tool and first step in forgiveness is to understand “why” someone acts the way they do. Take your parents, for example. It’s helpful to go back and objectively look at their early childhood. Imagine what their childhood, parents and home environment was like. What do you know? What have you heard? What can you infer? In psychology, we call this the primary scenario. Do some basic sleuthing to uncover or imagine why a person (partner, colleague, parent) may have certain defense mechanisms (narcissism, defensiveness, aggression, depression, etc.) or personality traits.

What are they trying to protect? What are they afraid of? What basic skills did they learn (or not learn) from their family of origin? Reframe the current upset by building a new cognitive framework to understand why someone might behave the way they do.

We are all doing the best we can with the skills and awareness we have. Beginning to ask different questions and understand “why” breeds compassion and helps loosen the ties that bind us to blame. If possible, talk to the person (when you are calm and centered) and ask them about their own experience (see below).

2. Feel and express your emotions. We can’t heal what we can’t feel. This may mean digging up long-held or buried emotions from the past, your childhood or right now. Our past pain affects (and in many ways creates) our current upsets. Until we fully release the emotions held in our bodies, they continue to affect our present mindset — creating tension in the body-mind and even leading to illness.

We are animals and have a primal body that registers every emotion we feel, directly impacting our hormonal balance, brain chemistry and immune system. It is crucial to address this animal nature by flushing out emotions. Learn to express your emotions in healthy ways.

Do anger work. Find ways to release anger, rage and blame in a primal way.
– Go into nature to yell or scream (primal scream technique).
– Cry, weep, hit something (pillow, tennis racket on couch cushions, boxing class).
– Allow yourself to be fully disappointed, sad or depressed. Talk about it. Share with a friend or therapist. Give yourself permission to thoroughly feel and just “be” exactly where you are.

Ask yourself:
– How does this feel in my body?
– What does it feel like to be abandoned/betrayed/rageful?
– What are the sensations?

Write the person (or yourself) a letter. You don’t have to send it, but purging emotions out on paper gives them a place to live outside of yourself and your body. Validate your emotions by breathing life into them. Journaling at least three pages first thing in the morning is highly recommended.

Talk to the person (if possible). This is only helpful if it is safe for you to speak with the person and if you are in a calm, centered state of mind. It is not usually effective to speak with another person when you are angry or until you have processed your emotions significantly on your own. Then, if possible, express your feelings in a safe environment. It may be helpful to do so with a therapist/counselor present so you both feel heard and validated.

You can also do this even if the person is not physically present or has died. Sit quietly. Take a few deep breaths with your eyes closed. Call in the other person, their spirit and energy. Imagine them sitting across from you, how they look, how you feel. Tell them out loud what you are feeling. Imagine a dialogue between the two of you. Is there anything they want to say back to you? When you are finished, thank them for listening and release them in gratitude.

3. Rebuild safety. Once you have adequately expressed your emotions, create new boundaries for yourself within the relationship. This may mean you no longer see the person, end the relationship or establish new guidelines.

In the case of a breakup, for example, it is often healthiest to cut off all communication and contact with that person (unfriend them on Facebook, please!). In the future, you may be able to reestablish a friendship, but your psyche, heart and emotions need time to fully unplug and heal.

I once went years seeing my ex-boyfriend at events without speaking. We respected and cared for each other, but could not talk or be in contact until several years had passed. Now, we’re close friends and love each other very much. The love never diminished, but we needed a lot of time and space to heal the hurt and tenderness.

Creating new boundaries can be especially tricky with close family or friends, as others involved may not understand or agree with your choice for more space and distance. It is crucial to protect yourself, your inner child, your tender emotions and hold strong boundaries. Notice if you tend to put others’ needs or wants above your own. Now is the time to shift gears and practice radical self-care. Honor your need for space and reconfiguring old boundaries.

4. Let go. Fully letting go of a past transgression and completely forgiving may take many months or years. Imagine the process of letting go like a labyrinth or a mandala — spiraling around and around a center point. You may have a phase of feeling better and then realize that you are still grieving or angry. This is natural. The soul does not heal on linear time. Give yourself space. Be patient. True healing happens on the quantum, spiritual plane. Ask for help. Get quiet, mindful and pray to let go. It will happen.

Please leave a comment below with what strategies help you forgive and let go!

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For more on emotional wellness, click here.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Has anger ever filled you up so completely that you felt you’d explode?

Two months after I had a baby I suddenly found myself inextricably angry. Yes, I felt the joy and happy stuff that everyone tells you about.

But having a daughter also triggered a flash flood of buried anger, blame, and resentment. And it was all directed to one person—my mother.

A therapist told me once that my mother had “verbally abused” me. That launched a fifteen-year process of rehashing and blaming my plethora of emotional issues on my mother.

But no matter how many therapists or coaches told me that she “didn’t form a proper attachment” or whatever, I always defended her. That is, until I became a mother myself.

When my own nurturing instinct kicked in, I realized what I’d missed out on as a child. I was overwhelmed by “how coulds.” How could anyone treat a little girl that way?

The anger overtook me. It was like a well of blame had opened up and I had fallen in. Something had to shift.

In truth, it happened fast. You might think it would take years to let go of anger and blame so strong it feels like it’s coming out of your eyeballs.

But once I realized how to let it go, all at once, poof, I was free. Now years later, I’ve never looked back.

How did I do it? I discovered the profound meaning of two words: perspective and compassion.

Life is Like a Box of Hair Dye

My mother grew up in the South in the sixties. I’ve watched enough Mad Men to know that life for women in my mother’s generation was very different.

Women’s value was heavily dependent on their looks and the look of their houses. Combine that world-view with a heaping helping of stress from an overwhelming job and you get a picture of my mother.

Think of an uber stressed-out Betty Draper. At thirteen, when my blonde hair started fading to light brown, she started dying it. “Boys won’t like you with brown hair,” she said.

Yelling was the norm and more I cried the more she yelled. I was an only child, lost in a world where my looks and image were tantamount to survival and nothing I did was enough.

The Blame-Spin Cycle

Getting stuck in blame feels like walking through an endless maze, looking for cheese that doesn’t exist. That’s what therapy felt like.

The more I re-counted the past, the madder I became and the more hopeless I felt. I was spinning in an endless cycle of blame, anger, and resentment.

What is the end game? What do I do with the fact that my mother’s behavior may have caused me pain later in life?

It was a well-meaning friend who finally cracked the code, over wine and panic one afternoon. I had called her over because I felt too emotionally unstable to be alone with my infant daughter.

“Why don’t you just ask her why she did it?” she asked.

That had never occurred to me.

I’d Like Perspective with a Side of Compassion Please

“It was the only way I knew…” she explained, after I found the courage to ask her why she had treated me so harshly.

My mother then went on to recount tales of her childhood. You know the beginning of Cinderella, when she spends her hours cleaning endlessly at the whim of a demanding mother?

That’s the image that came to mind as my mom recounted years of cleaning and re-cleaning my grandmother’s house. The family was not allowed to leave the house to do any activities until the house was spotless.

And of course, the cleaning always took up the entire day, disappointing my mom and her sister every time. My grandmother, it turned out, had been an even stronger product of her environment.

Why are people the way they are? If you can ask yourself that question before passing judgment, you can save yourself tremendous mental energy.

When I started understanding the world for my mother and grandmother, I was flooded with intense compassion. Think of Biff in any Back to the Future movie, when manure was inevitably dumped on his head—that was what happened to me with compassion.

Suddenly I realized that no one is to blame. If I blame my mother for my problems, then I have to blame my grandmother for my mother’s problems. And then I’d have to blame the Great Depression and society for my grandmother’s problems.

I just don’t have enough space for all of that anger.

Getting perspective on a situation and fully understanding the whole story is like pulling back the curtain and finding the little man with the booming voice in The Wizard of Oz. It loses its power over you.

Could my mother have made different choices? Of course she could have. Did she do the best she could with who she was back then? Yes, I believe she did.

Setting Yourself Free

What happened happened. No amount of blame, resentment, or anger at my mother will make it not have happened. It is just what happened.

We can let what happened control us and we can live in blame and anger, or we can let it go and free ourselves. When you hold on to anger, it’s you who suffers. You’re the one who has to live in your head.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. You don’t have to tell him that you forgive him, or even talk to her again if you don’t want to.

This process is simply about changing the way you see someone so that you can stop wasting valuable emotional energy. If you are holding onto resentment or anger, today is the day to set yourself free.

Right now, think of one person who isn’t safe to walk down the streets of your mind without being attacked.

Picture your story about that person. Then try to tell the story again from her perspective.

What is the back-story? Think about her childhood; when did she get hurt?

Find some way to see the story that allows you to feel compassion. It may not be easy at first, but there is always an answer.

The forgiveness journey is worth taking 1,000 times over. I can’t even begin to describe how much this idea shifted my experience in life.

Letting go of the anger feels like flying. By getting perspective on the story and uncovering compassion, you have the power to set yourself free.

About Lauren Fire

Lauren Fire is the host of Inspiring Mama, a podcast and blog dedicated to finding solutions to the emotional challenges of motherhood and teaching simple and practical happiness tools to parents. Get her free happiness lesson videos by joining the Treat Yourself Challenge – 10 Days, 10 Ways to Shift from Crappy to Happy.

We all know that resentment, anger and bitter feelings can do us a lot of harm. If you are not aware that this is the case you just need to become honestly aware of the effect that such feelings have on your body to see that they are not good for you. This is especially if true if hatred or loathing come into the mix. The sickly, cold, poisonous sensations which come with bitter, resentful feelings – especially if you are thinking of vengeance as a way to express your resentful feelings – ought to be a warning to not go any further with the line of thinking that you are on. If you were drinking or eating something and it had the same effect on your body us such feelings you would most likely spit is out again very quickly. your would recognize it as toxic. Such feelings can also be very painful. Download Free Forgiveness Ebook

But, such feelings of vengeance and hate, can hold a sickly fascination. There can be a sticky obsessiveness about them, which can make it hard to let go of them and to break out of the thinking that supports them. Bitter feelings come up which bring up bitter thoughts: you keep remembering what “they” said or did. You find yourself in a loop: the more you think about it the more the resentful, angry, feelings come up and the more those feelings come up the more you obsessively think about it. Keeping your body and your nervous system in a constant state of being on the alert can be painful and exhausting and that is why things like anger and depression and anger and anxiety problems often go together. This can lead to insomnia and other stress related ailments.

You might start gathering evidence from other people to “confirm” your feelings about the person or situation, You try and find people who will agree with you, and you become angry or dismissive of those who don’t. You might even decide those who don’t agree with you, “are not my friend”, as they are “not on my side”.

However in reality such people are on your side. They are on the side of the better part of you. They don’t want to see you caught up in a bitter, angry state of mind. Nor do they want to join you in it. Only false friends will go along with something like that. Download Free Forgiveness Ebook

The person you resent so much may even be someone you “love”, or “loved” in the past. You have an love hate relationship or can simply be someone you “love to hate”. You may even want to know how to let go of the past, how to let go of someone you loved either because of the painful feelings that come up or because you know it is not right ot think of them in such a dreadful way.

In order to break out of the obsessive thinking patterns which maintain feelings of anger, resentment, bitterness and rage you need a method for changing your thinking patterns. However, trying to repress you thought and feelings is not the answer, as they will just cause them to go underground and come out in another way. You need to redirect your thoughts; but you also need to deal with the underlying feelings too. This is where The Four Steps to Forgiveness comes in. It works on many levels at the same time. It helps you redirect your thoughts and to let go of the unhappy feelings associated with those thoughts. Through The Four Steps to Forgiveness your thoughts and feelings are not repressed in any way they are simply redirected in a more constructive direction.

Through The Four Steps to Forgiveness you can let go of resentment, anger and bitterness. You can learn to manage your thoughts and feelings and be more in charge of your life. It can even act as a form of Do-it-yourself anger management, or therapy, which can support any help you get from an actual therapist.

Try The Four Steps to Forgiveness yourself. Download it from this page (Its and immediate download. You don’t even need to put in an email address in order to get it).